Everytime I think about it, I wonder and just go back to what I was holding on my chest when the half year mark came by. It was like the light that wash over your soul and cleanses you of all the evil in the world.
You see that and you start thinking on the what could have been. You review all that you have written and start loving again. And then you realize how godawful you have been to yourself.
I have been hearing a song lately, is called Goodbye in her Eyes, by a band I found thanks to Sonic Highways, Zac Brown Band, and I think I can basically relate to that in a very remote way in one of the days of an evening in December and then that silence that brought me to my knees. I would surely trade a thousand babylons to be within her heart. rest assured of that.
Thing is, I still know not of what she feels much less now after all this time we haven’t spoken or done anything at all. In a long time I have been asking for some divine illumination so I could just walk into her life and stay there as God intended from the beginning. But I don’t see how that might even happen at all. It’s true, even though I keep telling myself I don’t care, that I moved on, that I don’t mind, that I don’t love her anymore.
Everytime I see those hazel eyes my whole universe comes crashing down at her feet because I truly love that woman like I love the sunshine on a cold morning; like the bitter taste of a espresso on a rainy day; Like the morning with a cerulean sky with frail clouds all over; like the first touch of the salty water of the sea when you curl your toes on the sand in the beach; like the first taste of chocolate after waiting so long to get your favorite bar; like opening your first christmas present; like blowing your birthday candles;
like listening her whispering those three word that you dread hear but at the same time make you feel unstoppable: I love you.
And then I come back and I ask myself, do I truly love her anymore? And the answer falls upon my head like a bag of bricks, it hurts and leaves me dizzy and nauseated, with stars in my eyes and wishing nothing but to kiss her lips. She is truly the one woman I truly desire. All the others come short in some way, or are not what I want, or are simply too different from me not to care. But the Red Sun?
The Red Sun shine is one of those amazing things in life that come to you when you least expect it. And after all this time, I still feel like she is the one and only woman I could ever need in my life. Even though the distance has drifted us apart. The truth is:
I am afraid to try again. Simply because I don’t want to be hurt again, and because I wouldn’t be able to withstand another rejection on the same heart with the same love letters, I would just shatter like a vase in a china shop with a raging bull thrashing inside.
Right now the only certainty that I have is that I love you. And that probably will haunt me for the remainder of my lifetime, Red.
To learn patience is not to rebel against every hardshipHenri Nouwen